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I’m trying to decide how and if I can let something or someone go? I’ve always been a borderline holder on-er; just ask my room mate (please don’t ask her though). Currently, I’m faced with the the task of disposing of my fathers’s ashes on a mountain top, as he asked me to do before he died.
Right now his ashes are on the banquette next to his fireplace. And due to freezing temperatures, my inability to deal with really cold weather, and a host of other excuses–he is still there.
When I’m at “his” house, I sit in the living room and talk to him; greet him in the mornings and in the evenings as I pass through the room. And as I contemplate a date and plan for taking him up the mountain–I’m a huge planner; almost nothing happens without at least a rudimentary plan–I find myself creating excuses and diversions; and this makes me feel incredibly guilty.
I have also found that I can’t decide about a myriad of stupid little details. Should I go alone; wait for my brother (which could be a really long wait); invite my dad’s friends along? The only thing I’ve come up with so far is that I want to go alone. But if I were to be truly honest–I don’t want to go at all.
I guess what I’m saying is, “I’m sorry Dad, but I’m just not ready to let you go yet.” Is that wrong? Should I feel guilty? Because I don’t–well, I do but I don’t. Does that make sense?
Have you gone through this or something like this? What did you end up doing? How did you resolve your feelings, your guilt (if you had any)? How long did it take you to be able to say good bye?
Dear Ann,
What you have written fills me with emotion. Thank you so muh for sharing this. Your grief is palpable, as is your dilemma. I am not sure that I will be much help to you. All I can say is that my heart goes out to you. These are all such universal concerns . We are all touched by loss like this. Yet our experiences and responses remain as unique as our fingerprints. So your journey will be very much your own; neverthless, one that can be shared (as you are doing) and one that will intersect with the journies of others. With my siginifiacnt losses of loved ones, each has been a different loss. One universal feature of the death of someone we love deeply, is that it is also the death of a part of yourselves. For no-one else can take their place in our lives; they were part of us and that unique relationship is no-longer active in a tangible way; it is now in the past, increasingly a memory. The death of us takes awhile to heal. The deeper the love, the deeper the wound, the longer the healing process. We attent to our wound in different ways. We initially apply first aid. At times we need rescuing; we need others around us to breathe life back into us, to help us deal with the shock. We prepare the wound for the funeral and all the myriad things to be done with our love one’s personal affects. The process of healing is slow and then sometimes there are amazing break throughs; usualy when we have finally done what we have dreaded. Yes, in the end it is about letting go, but not too soon. When our wound has healed some is best; when that moment comes: I feel I must do this … for Dad and me.
(with love, Heather)
spelling, sorry in line 10 that should read ‘ourselves’ not ‘yourselves.’
I know exactly what you are going through. I made promises to my parents before they passed away about what I would do with their remains. I stayed pretty close to the plans with my mom. My dad was easier because he didn’t have many requests and didn’t talk about it as much. It turned out, now that they are both gone, I like having the ashes in my home. I pass the beautiful box many times throughout the day and I always talk to him and it makes me feel really good. I have even considered seeing what it would take to obtain my mom’s ashes, so they can be “together” and still with me. I know I won’t go visit her ashes where they are buried.
Truthfully, it doesn’t matter where the ashes (or remains) are – I feel both my parents in my heart and I talk to them all the time, every where. Nothing replaces the feeling of having them physically present, nothing will ever fill the void. As sad as that is, the important thing is to do what you need to do to carry on. Do what feels right for you.
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You don’t have to do it today, tomorrow, or even months from now. The time will come when you’ll be ready, and that’s when he can be freed with where he wants to be. In the meantime, relish in his memories.
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HI… It’s been a while, and somehow it is the right post for me to give my 2 cents.
Take your time. No time is the right time until you say it is.
Losing a parent is hard and sometimes if we just linger a littel longer with the idea that they are truly gone, we can face the truth that they are gone. But then we were graced to have them in our lives for as long as we did.
It’s April now… and the floweres are starting to bloom, the snow is starting to melt, the sun is getting warmer, but unless it is the right time for you to let go, you keep him next to the fireplace where you can say hello every morning and evening.
I am so sorry for your loss. I truly know how you feel.
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Thank you Carla.