I’m trying to decide how and if I can let something or someone go? I’ve always been a borderline holder on-er; just ask my room mate (please don’t ask her though). Currently, I’m faced with the the task of disposing of my fathers’s ashes on a mountain top, as he asked me to do before he died.
Right now his ashes are on the banquette next to his fireplace. And due to freezing temperatures, my inability to deal with really cold weather, and a host of other excuses–he is still there.
When I’m at “his” house, I sit in the living room and talk to him; greet him in the mornings and in the evenings as I pass through the room. And as I contemplate a date and plan for taking him up the mountain–I’m a huge planner; almost nothing happens without at least a rudimentary plan–I find myself creating excuses and diversions; and this makes me feel incredibly guilty.
I have also found that I can’t decide about a myriad of stupid little details. Should I go alone; wait for my brother (which could be a really long wait); invite my dad’s friends along? The only thing I’ve come up with so far is that I want to go alone. But if I were to be truly honest–I don’t want to go at all.
I guess what I’m saying is, “I’m sorry Dad, but I’m just not ready to let you go yet.” Is that wrong? Should I feel guilty? Because I don’t–well, I do but I don’t. Does that make sense?
Have you gone through this or something like this? What did you end up doing? How did you resolve your feelings, your guilt (if you had any)? How long did it take you to be able to say good bye?