Childhood Lost

childhood memories

childhood memories (Photo credit: brainblogger)

I have been away from my childhood for many years now; past the college years , a marriage, a divorce, singlehood (singledom?) and yet…

For 20 plus years I have visited my parents in Texas, not my childhood home– but when I’m there, it seems that childhood is right there, just over my shoulder. Now the years have passed and time is catching up with everyone. My step-dad has been in poor health for several years, and Mom has become very ill with no cure and a difficult road ahead.

So I find myself back in Texas; to be with her, with my family, with my childhood. Sitting here now, I feel like I can see it all slipping away too. When I’ve been here before, we’ve had our traditions; lunch and shopping at Hester’sand the Bleu Frog, or books and coffee at Half-Price Books or Barnes & Noble and Starbucks. This trip though, I’m running errands, helping with tasks they can no longer do, taking care of them; and longing for past trips.

Today, I drove past the bookstore and heard it calling out to me. But I couldn’t stop; mom is at home, tied to an oxygen machine, and I don’t think I can go without her. It wouldn’t be right, or the same–even though she wants me to go and see our sights, visit our places. The Universe would be crooked and something would be lost, or less than it should; it would feel wrong for me to be there without her. 

After that, I found myself driving around town, and seeing everything in a different light; the buildings seemed smaller, dingier, farther away from me and from my mom. And as old as I am, as old as I feel, I wondered–is this what it feels like when childhood slips away?
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Comments

  1. I read your story with tears in my eyes. Time does go by so fast, and moments, memories slip by in a twinkling of an eye. But, then the memories are what holds us together, gives us strength to go on, to hold on to what we once had, and will never have again, except through our memories. I have loved and lost so many, and don’t want to do it again, but it’s not for me to say, my family and friends are in God’s hands, and all I can do is believe that someday we WILL be together again. Christ gives me that hope, and I cling to it. You take care my friend, I am here for you IF you need me.

  2. Oh Ann, my hear goes out to you. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
    Melanie Kaminski recently posted..Taking a Catalina Island Glass Bottom Boat Tour

  3. Ann, that is so heartbreaking. My parents are young, so even though I’m 44, they had me at 21 years old. But I know this day will come and it’s hard to think about it – especially for being so far away. Sending you thoughts of strength and peace.
    Lady Jennie recently posted..Friday Wrap-Up

  4. Ann, my heart hurts for you – that your family is going through so much. Sending you light and love.
    Alison recently posted..Through The Lens Thursday #6: Flower

  5. Ann,

    Reading this makes me wish I could make you a nice buttery, warm, delicious grilled cheese sandwich with a side of some homemade chicken soup and give you a great big hug! I’ve been there and it isn’t a fuzzy warm place but know that you have a support system right here through your blog. :)
    Trish recently posted..50 Things I Learned About Social Media, the Hard Way

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